Elon Musk’s clever plan to destroy Twitter and save us all

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Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.

What if, and this can be tough to get your head round, Elon Musk isn’t only a very wealthy man who acts like a 12-year-old after an excessive amount of fizzy pop — or, as one social media user put it, a “Wish.com Bruce Wayne” — and is the truth is right here to save us all?

Since Musk (who, lest we neglect, referred to as his baby X Æ A-XII — X and as soon as live-tweeted himself taking a shit) purchased Twitter, there’s been a endless stream of headlines.

Almost all the senior execs have been fired, then a few of them have been requested to come again; Musk wrote “I like to recommend voting for a Republican Congress”; he banned many parody accounts regardless of being a parody of himself; and he mentioned that you can get a treasured blue tick by paying for one reasonably than for being superior (and sure, I do have a blue tick, for my Pulitzer Prize-worthy work arising with nicknames for Donald Trump).

Some persons are so fearful about Musk’s affect on Twitter that they’re deactivating their accounts and heading elsewhere, together with Mastodon (which possible got here as a shock to the heavy metallic band Mastodon, whose second album — “Leviathan” — is an idea document primarily based on the novel “Moby-Dick” by Herman Melville).

But perhaps Musk is cleverer than that and is actually taking part in the lengthy sport. We all know that social media is terrible, a colossal waste of time that stops you from doing precise stuff like spending time along with your youngsters, studying to play the flute or aggressive ironing.

So is Musk purposefully driving folks away from Twitter and into the welcoming arms of actual life by pretending to be a moron with horrible opinions? Maybe he’s burning down his personal property on objective to declare on the insurance coverage? Or perhaps he’s simply so wealthy that none of this actually issues?

And if social media — or certainly anything — is all getting an excessive amount of, simply observe the recommendation of the New York Times, which gave readers recommendations on how to keep away from election stress across the midterms. Tip No. 2 is the very best: “Plunge your face right into a bowl with ice water for 15 to 30 seconds.” Or right into a wall, whichever is less complicated.

And tip No. 4 can be a great one: “Breathe like a child.” To obtain this, “deal with increasing your stomach as you breathe, which may ship extra oxygen to the mind.” That’s sound recommendation as a result of, as any dad or mum will let you know, infants are well-known for specializing in duties.


“The U.N. convention’s annual ‘Take a selfie with an fool to increase consciousness of local weather change’ competitors proved particularly widespread this yr.”

Can you do higher? Email [email protected] or on Twitter @pdallisonesque

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“Church versus state? It’s a tie!” by Ben Boffey.

Paul Dallison is POLITICO‘s slot information editor.

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